How to Make the Most of Your Adult Friendships in Your Twenties
From the Saddle Club gals to the Sex and the City ladies, from Brooke, Peyton, and Haley of One Tree Hill to Blair and Serena of Gossip Girl, we’ve grown up watching and loving the portrayal of female friendships on television. We’ve spent our whole lives admiring these platonic relationships on screen.
It was ingrained in us from a young age that no matter how dysfunctional some friendships may seem, they always emerge stronger than before. What made these TV friendships so real to us was the constant bickering, constant talking about boys, and constant being honest with each other no matter what. However, they failed to demonstrate what life would be like without them. True friendship is invaluable, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way. Having a loyal friend is a priceless blessing. Breaking up with a friend is just as painful as breaking up with a significant other, if not more so.
“84% of women and 75% of men” in a survey by TODAY.com and Self Magazine reported being friends or best friends with someone who displayed toxic behaviours at some point in their lives. But I can assure you that many of those public figures could have been toxic themselves and failed to recognise it.
It’s true that keeping friendships alive can be challenging, especially as we get older. In that case, what are some guidelines for maintaining friendships as adults? If you have a close friend, what happens if you two have an argument? What if it turns out that you were the one to blame? And when do you realize whether it’s even worth attempting to fix it?
Accept any flaws you may have
The first thing you need to do is think about whether or not you were responsible for the end of your friendship. We are our own worst critics, but it can be easier to place the blame for a toxic friendship on someone else than on ourselves. Fifteen of the women said they were to blame for the breakdown of their friendship, with drifting apart, a lack of effort, and miscommunication being the most frequently cited causes. A simple issue that could have been fixed quickly has tarnished years of memories. Admitting fault and offering an apology are two steps that can help to stabilise a situation if you have reason to believe that you were at fault or even partially responsible for it. Given this, it’s best to keep an open mind when presented with an issue, rather than taking the defensive.
Each of us is a learner and a developing person. While it’s true that no one can truly control the actions of another, there are times when constructive criticism can help salvage a friendship. A broken friendship can be mended if both parties are willing to admit their mistakes. At times, friends simply cannot be friends anymore because they are at such different stages of life.
Bring your expectations back into reality.
Since we were too young to recall when we were first exposed to media, we have been basing our ideas about what constitutes a “real” friendship on comparisons between our various romantic partnerships. Maintaining friendships from high school is simple if you are constantly glued to your phone, have no other responsibilities, and spend the vast majority of your time with your high school friends. Things are very different when you’re an adult, though. If someone is acting out of character, we are quick to make a comparison to an earlier version of themselves and then cut them off without confronting the issue. When people’s behaviour is unexpected, we are quick to draw parallels to their former selves.
Remember that you once shared a friendship with that person. Just as in romantic relationships, we need to be able to overlook minor imperfections in our close friendships as long as they don’t threaten the overall health of the bond. As long as there are still positives in your friendship and it brings you growth, you shouldn’t let the fact that you have different interests or that you both have busy schedules ruin something good.
Please express any reservations you may have
When it comes to communication, tips on how to talk to a friend are much rarer than those on how to talk to a partner or spouse. Do not bottle up your feelings if a friend has done or said something that has hurt you. A good friend is someone who takes the time to hear you out and thoughtfully considers your points of view. People who mean us no harm can still annoy us with their carelessness, but sometimes just having our voices heard is all it takes to finally feel at peace. Allowing something to ferment for too long can result in an explosion with potentially catastrophic consequences. If you want your friendship with a friend to last, you may need to act maturely and discuss any problems that are causing tension between you. Ignoring it will only make you resentful of them in the long run. If you and your friend have reached an impasse where further development of your friendship is unlikely, it may be best to take some time apart. Reach out to others and see how that makes you feel if you’re still stuck. Give yourself permission to grieve, and closure will come to you even if you don’t find it.
Learn to tell the difference between “bitching” and “venting.”
It seemed like every time my best friend did something that made me feel bad, a rumour would spread that they were “bitching” about it to everyone else in school. Always keep in mind that it is okay to share your frustrations. However, bringing down your best friend will reflect poorly on you, not them, especially among larger groups of friends with whom you share a friendship. Sometimes an objective viewpoint is exactly what you need, so it’s best to get it from people you know you can trust. But don’t run away and smear your best friend behind their back before you even confront them. It’s unfair to them, and it will hurt your credibility.
Don’t make excuses for bad behavior
When asked why they ended friendships, 60% of women cited the presence of pure toxicity. It’s important to consider how far you should go to give people the benefit of the doubt, even though it’s true that we should sometimes give people a chance. It’s scary to think that a friend may no longer be a part of your life, especially if your relationship with them has gone through ups and downs. Nevertheless, deciding to end a relationship and actually doing so can be incredibly freeing and even lead to the development of brand new friendships.
If you feel your friendship is ending and you’ve tried to bring it up, it may be time to accept the inevitable. I think it’s time to just accept the inevitable if you’ve tried to bring it up. Always be there for your friends, but don’t use their mistreatment as an excuse. Once a friend has gone behind your back, broken your trust, or tried to turn others against you, there is no way for the two of you to have a normal conversation again.
Recognize the significance of your social circle
A friend who lives on the other side of town and has no other ties to your life would be an ideal person to cut ties with, but this isn’t always possible. There may be times when you and your friend must make the mature decision to act civilly toward another person who is part of the same social circle. They will be under a lot of pressure if the rest of the group has to plan activities and decide who can and cannot go. Everyone feels uneasy in socially awkward situations. The result could be a rise in bitterness. Try contacting them and seeing if they share your perspective; chances are, they probably do.
The Grieving Process
Be kind to yourself and grieve your own loss as you would any other. Anyone’s mental health can be negatively affected by the death of a close friend. This person knows all of your deepest, darkest secrets and has been present for many of your most precious memories. Since the future holds so much mystery, it is understandable that you should feel anxious about it.
You should brace yourself for some awkward interactions. Get the group talking and explain what’s going on. Be a man/woman. One last thing, and this one is really important: be kind to yourself. Permit yourself to grow and change as a result of your failures, and use that wisdom to make better decisions in your future relationships.
